Why Kids Need to Feel Heard Before They Can Listen

Getting to know the Listening Loop: Have you ever tried to get your child to calm down or do what you told them to do while they were having a tantrum? They probably didn't hear a thing. That's because kids can't really listen until they feel like they're being heard.
It isn't just your ears that hear; it's your heart.

Kids are learning how to deal with their feelings, express themselves, and be independent. If you don't first acknowledge their feelings, any advice, instruction, or correction can feel like a fight.

Why Feeling Heard Matters

• Validates Emotions: It validates your feelings. When kids show anger, frustration, or excitement, and adults pay attention and show understanding, kids feel safe.
• Builds Trust: Trust is built when a child feels understood. Trust makes kids want to get involved instead of fighting back.
• Improves Cooperation: When you listen to a child's feelings, they're more likely to follow directions calmly.
• Helps Kids Control Their Emotions: Giving kids names for their feelings helps them deal with them better, which cuts down on fights and tantrums.

Real ways to let kids Feel Heard

1. Show how they feel: Instead of correcting their behavior right away, try saying something like, "I see you're upset because playtime is ending." This shows that you care and gives them room to feel like they are understood.
2. Listen with intent: Get down to their level, look them in the eye, and nod or say something nice like, "I hear you!" "That sounds really annoying!"
3. Don't judge or dismiss: When you say things like "Don't be silly" or "Stop crying," you stop talking. Be neutral and interested.
4. Give Them Time: Kids sometimes need a little time to say everything they want to. Be patient; there may be times when you need to be quiet or stop.
5. Give both validation and guidance: After you say you understand how they feel, gently lead them: "I know you're upset." Let's clean up so we can eat.

When It Works Best

• When you're moving from one thing to another (like playtime to meal time or bath time to bed time).
• After a fight or disagreement.
• When they're trying to be independent or see how far they can go.

Children learn how to talk to each other by watching others do it. You teach them that feelings are important, voices are important, and working together comes from understanding, not demands, by listening first. This easy, mindful activity lowers the number of tantrums, makes relationships stronger, and builds a lifetime of emotional intelligence.